Google's Googlies!

It was a bright morning- blue skies, puffy white clouds, cool breeze … you get the idea.

I heard Google flop down beside me with a grunt. I looked at him from behind my newspaper. “What’s up?” I asked, “Why the long face?”

“When was the last time you saw a Labrador with a short face?” He retorted testily.

Ouch! I looked at Google again. Something clearly was weighing him down. I thought it best to wait for him to go on.

“Well Dad,” he began soon enough. “I’ve been thinking”. He crossed his legs and looked pensively at his left paw.

“Oh? That’s nice!” I egged him on.

He gazed into the distance. ” I wonder if Modi ji is taking this country in the right direction”

I set the newspaper aside and sat up. This was serious stuff!

“How do you figure?”

“Well, I’ve been listening to his ‘Mann Ki Baath’ for some time now, and I must say I am quite disappointed. His heart seems to bleed for the ‘sawa sau karod desh wasi’ but I ask, what are his plans for us?”

“Plans for you? What’s that now?? I mean, we are part of the ‘sawa sau karod’ and you are part of our family and I believe we take care of you well enough, don’t we?” I asked a trifle anxiously.

“More or less,” he said, “but it’s not about me. What about Leggy, Happy, Chunnu, and Munnu?” he demanded, referring to his stray-dog friends that he meets and greets every day when he takes me with him on his walks.

He now stood up and paced the floor. I tried patting his head, but he ducked and avoided contact.

“Okay,” he continued, “so we are not a vote bank; but considering how we contribute to the nation’s economy and the untapped potential we represent, we ought to be pretty high on his list of priorities, surely?”

” Hang on!” I interrupted. “What’s this about your contribution to the economy?”

Google paused and gave me a look he reserves for Poodles and Pugs and other sub-canine species.

“Of course, we do, if you care to look hard enough. The city corporation guys plant saplings with a lot of fanfare during their annual ‘afforestation drive’ and disappear without a trace, right?  If it were not for us folks diligently doing our jobs and keeping the soil fertile, how would all these plants survive? Also, think of the money the government saves each year on manpower and other resources in tending to these plants!”

“Yes, Googlie, but…” I called him by his baby name.

“Wait” he growled, imperiously lifting his right paw. “I haven’t finished.”

I subsided.

” Do you even realize how hard my cousins work with the security forces sniffing out explosives in a variety of environments – war zones, airports, hi-security installations – risking their necks every single day trying to save y’all from being bombed out of the skies?”

“Yes, sure, we really appreciate…” I started again. 

” Clearly Modi ji doesn’t!” he snapped. “We also help visually impaired folks in their activities of daily living, we work with therapists in hospitals to cheer up inmates. I’m sure you’ve seen us as part of the security establishment at shopping malls and hotels. Can you even imagine the issues you would face if you were to appoint humans to do what we’re doing?” “Assuming of course that they could match our capabilities” he added scornfully

“And,” there was no stopping Google. “We’ve taken productivity to a whole new level” he went on. “No off days or vacations, or even a salary! We get dog food twice a day with some watered-down milk.  Period!”

“Hmm” I said, rather inadequately. Google’s eloquence impressed me in spite of myself. But I bounced back quickly enough. I haven’t been in the corporate world this long for nothing.

 “Okay,” I steepled my fingers in my best managerial style, “If you were to petition Modiji before his next ‘Mann Ki Baat,’ how would you structure it?” I was pretty sure he would come wagging his tail seeking my help in this tricky task.

“Well, my friends and I have put together a few ideas on this,” he said scratching a thoughtful ear.

“Oh, you have?” I was miffed. “Care to share them with me?”

“Well, what has Modi ji done to upgrade the skills of my friends roaming the streets of Bengaluru?”

“Your friends?” I faltered. “What do you expect he should do for your friends?”

Again I got the reserved-for-Pugs-and-Poodles look.

“Dad” he spoke slowly and deliberately as one would to a particularly slow child. “Modi ji talks about employability – the lack of it – in India, right?”

“Yes”

“Don’t you think he has overlooked the tremendous potential in harnessing canine skills in the task of nation-building?”

“Uh, how do you mean?”

“Skills of the Indian Canine!” he said grandly. “Instead of sending the Corporation goons to remove the ‘strays’ from one part of the city only to let them loose in another, can he not think of opening training schools for them?   These ‘stray’ dogs can be trained in different skills depending on how they score in CAT of course.

“CAT? You mean Canine Aptitude Test” I asked weakly. Google gave me an approving glance before he continued, “The training would include Basic, Intermediate, and Graduate programs in different disciplines – Guiding, Guarding, Sniffing, and even Therapy”

“Modi ji needs to budget for building residential schools that administer aptitude tests and training to stray dogs?” I bleated. “Where do you suppose the money for this grand scheme would come from?”

 “Good question” he granted, “what are BFFs for? I’m told the former Japanese PM Abe-san gave away huge, feather-soft loans to one of Modi ji’s pet schemes. Remember the bullet train project?”

 “Hey! Stop right there!” I finally found my voice.” You cannot compare the two projects surely?”

”Why ever not?”  Google demanded. For such schemes Dad, one needs vision. Unlike you, Modi ji wears glasses– so hopefully he can see farther than you can” he added rather unkindly. “All he has to do is to hotline whoever the Japanese PM is nowadays and ask him to cut a check!”

“Just think of the possibilities” Google’s eyes were shining. There could be exchange programs between Japanese dogs and our own. Our dogs could learn to smile, bow and generally be polite like their Japanese counterparts! And even learn to use public toilets and be in line with Modi ji’s dream of ‘Swachch Bharat.’

Japanese dogs in turn can learn a thing or two about having fun in life – like creeping up on an unsuspecting milkman’s backside and scaring the pants off him with a loud bark.” He allowed himself a chuckle at the thought!

“And did I mention the potential improvement in the balance of trade situation between us and the developed countries?” It was back to business.

“Whaaaa……what’s that now?” I was clearly out of my depth.

“Do you realize that we have roughly 30 million dogs in India? And we will cross the 50-million mark by 2025. ‘Stray’ dogs account for 63% of them. Please be advised that we have the world’s largest canine capital as well!  China probably has more dogs, but then I imagine they are mostly reared for domestic consumption.” 

” Furthermore,” he thundered “76.5% of the ‘stray’ dogs in India are below the age of 2. Assuming that we are able to train even 50% of them, in 2 years’ time we will have skilled Canpower that can work diligently for the next 6 to 10 years!  Every year thereafter, we will have bright-eyed, well-trained dogjuates coming out of these schools all ready to go to work. This is more than can be said for the fresh engineers that your colleges turn out every year!”

 “Canpower? uh, you mean like manpower?” I asked, trying to keep pace with Google.

He nodded curtly not happy at the interruption but asked, “Did you miss the export potential here? Out of the trained Canpower, the smarter ones with graduate degrees- the dogjuates - will be available for export – much like your IIT grads; the significant difference being that when you export us, hard cash flows into the exchequer adding to our foreign exchange reserve!”

He paused to let the import of what he just said to sink into his audience – just me in the present case – and said in a harsh Amitabh-like whisper: “If all this does not count as contributing to the economy, pray tell me what does?”

My jaw dropped to my chest for the third time this morning. I plugged it back in place. “Your ideas are pregnant with possibilities Google!” I managed. “Do you want me to help you make a presentation and mail it to the PMO?”

Google yawned.” Don’t bother Dad. I’ve already tweeted the gist of what I just said to Modi ji and he tweeted back to ask when I could fly to Delhi for a personal discussion. Apparently, he has asked his Cabinet ministers for Defence, Education, and Home Affairs to be in attendance as well. 

I am taking Goofy and Tubby with me as part of my delegation.” He paused. “I really hope he sees sense in what I’m proposing. If he doesn’t, well, it is his loss entirely!’ he added huffily.

I took this on the chin and went down for the count. Well, almost. I pulled myself up and gave Google an oily smile. “Would you fancy some creamy warm milk and some
biscuits to go with it?

“No, thanks Dad, I’ve been under a lot of stress lately, and I think I’ll take a power nap before I start packing my bags for the trip”. 

He yawned again. “If you want to make yourself useful, just check my email and see if the PMO has sent the tickets yet.”

“Sure thing Google, do you think I could join your delegation to meet….”  I stopped when heard a gentle snore.

Google was already in dreamland applauding the ‘Modified’ address to the nation:” Bhaiyo, Behno aur mere pyaare Bowbowon!”

                                                                  *********